sun sun sun here it comes

I’m in need of a pep talk. It’s probably the booze messing with me. Got accidentally drunk last night. Oops! J makes knock you on your ass drinks. I had two and was then, officially, knocked on my ass. Now the weird after effects are taking hold, the worst of which is this icky blah feeling. The second worse of which is this headache. Aspirin for the headache, writing for the blahs.

There are things that I know about myself, about M, about life and people and just how things work. Things that I completely believe are true, yet, I need reminders. Some sort of constantly available mom or best friend to help me digest all this in a way that doesn’t leave scars. Or at least leaves the smallest ones.

I just feel sick sometimes. I was treated so poorly. I didn’t look out for myself enough. I trusted him. He wasn’t worthy of it. And here I am now. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost nearly everything. A lot of the people and things I placed value on are gone. And it’s sad. It makes it extra sad that he didn’t skip a beat. Off to the next girl. I feel replaced. Tossed aside. Disgusted. All of this is so ridiculous. I’m privy to this occasional birds eye view of it all and I see myself rolling my eyes and walking away laughing under my breath at how stupid this is. At how stupid he is.

And he is stupid. Immature. Irresponsible. Egotistical. He turned into someone who I wouldn’t want to be with. Had I been the next girl he was on to, had he made this mess for me, I would have said no. I would have wanted to see him be the bigger person, take care of his obligations, prove himself to me by following though with someone else. I would be smart enough to know that how he treats other people is a window into how he could one day treat me.

I didn’t really have any warning signs. He seemed all the right things. I stayed because he seemed sweet and kind. I gave up my ideas of long conversations and reading books together in exchange for ones about calm and fate. I knew I was trading things right from the start. And I kept trading until I think I really lost sight of what it was I had wanted. I was left with a set of cards that weren’t familiar to me and left me nothing to play.

That isn’t to say I didn’t love him. I did. It’s to say that I shouldn’t be upset by this. It’s to say I should have realized this earlier. It’s to say that I’ve known almost the whole time that there was something better for me. But I chose to trade. Trade. Trade.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been pulled from this life by someone or something that has an idea that there is better for me. The more I hung on, the more I was tugged away. Beat down until I was too weak to hold on and then I was lifted out. I’ve been happier in many ways these last few weeks than I have been in years. I’ve been working on saving myself and funny how when you do that you really do wind up saving yourself. Things started happening right away. Great jobs. Friends. Boys. The possibilities of it all are infinite. Within reach. Mine for the taking.

But still there is this ball of melancholy in me. Kicking around with a sad look upon it’s face. Not wanting to go outside and play. It doesn’t like being left. It feels uncared for. Sad. Unimportant. It wants this to be a big mistake, a regret, so it can feel better. It wants to be right about all the things it thinks will happen. It wants to mope.

Cheer up little ball.

There is sun. It’s on the way.

You and I both know that there will be a day when you thank god that this happened. Where you won’t be able to imagine yourself any other way. You will feel creative and fulfilled and there will be this calmness in your little spherical soul. It could be while walking home from work on a rare sunny C@L day. It could be when you sign up for singing lessons. It could be when you look over and see a really sweet and lovely boy who's head just happens to be resting on the pillow next to yours. You’ll be happy you were given this chance. It is a chance after all. Ends are just beginnings. Your life is all possibility. Glowing yellow with it. On fire. And that isn’t anything to be afraid of. You are magic sometimes. You draw people in, you find your way. You are always loved and cared for, even when it might not seem so clear.

Until then, it’s just getting though to that day. To the worth it day. To the thank god this happened day. Just fill up those days in between. Make art. Learn music. Sing. Write. Move. Work. Participate. Be fearless. Be yourself. Tie this year up in a box and put it on a shelf. One day, put a bow on it. Know that this made you better. Stronger. Smarter. Growth is always painful. Always. Know that you took all you could from this year. Lots of lessons learned. Lots of looks into who you really are. Would you trade them, even now? Haven’t you already come far enough to not trade your now for what you had?

I thought so.

You learned that early on. You knew that this was better than it was, even when this was as bad as it could be. That’s why you’re going to be ok. Because you are smart like that. Because you figured it out when you were just out of the gate. Because you know that you are pure potential. The wind at your back. And the best part of that is, you realized that before there was anything else. No other job. No boy. It was just you knowing that you were made for better. That’s a gift.

So buck up little melancholy ball. It’s gonna be a-ok. Come and get breakfast with us. Come get some sun. Some fresh air. Maybe you’ll even smile a little. Laugh once or twice. Feel hopeful.

I promise, the sun is coming. I see it peeking though the clouds.