so pretty

Last night was greasy bar food and quiet weird instrumental music curtsey the Tin Hat Trio, who just happen to be four strong. I much enjoy band names such as theirs. The food stuffs were had at the Triple Rock. I opted for a plain old grilled cheese and no kidding, it was the best fucking grilled cheese I’ve ever had in my whole entire life! (Sorry, Mom!) They work magic there with the bread and the cheese!

After that, we headed up the street for the show. My day of adrenaline induced bruising and 12 hours of work left me thinking sleep would be a really really good idea about the same time as the opening band left the stage. Half way through the Tin Hat Trio my head was on A’s shoulder and I was dozing off to strange eerie violin notes scratched out softly by a girl who could have been me and a melody of guitar, clarinet and harp filling in the gaps. The best part of dozing off and maybe even the whole evening (better listen up, what I’m about to say beats out the grilled cheese!) were these dreamlike images of notes and floweres and confetti and streamers circling around me and lifting me up. I was floating along in a world that looked painted by Chagall. There were stars and thick smudges of paint that wouldn’t dry and glittery moons making everything pretty. I had a sleepy smile on my face and watched my dream unfold like it was a movie.

How I later characterized my grilled cheese sammich when asked: triple rockin’.

What the Cedar Riverside Cultural Center always smells like: curry.

If I think that’s a good or bad thing: can’t decide.

I think the earliest layer of dust has settled. The first of many things are sinking in. The funny thing is that it’s what I’ve known all along. I would say it to myself in my clearest moments and yell it out loud in my most unclear. This wasn’t really about M. It was about me not wanting to give up on big things. Not big things like houses and coffee shops, but big things like life being fair and people being good. So many of my more practical friends say that I just have to accept those as true.

Life. Isn’t. Fair.

All. People. Aren’t. Good.

I think I’m going to respectfully disagree. This is fair. Not that I deserved this hurt, but I deserved growth. And I’m getting it. Growth always kinda sucks. Learning is hard. Learning life stuff is really really hard. But you are always better for it. And M. He isn’t a bad person. I wasn’t wrong about the boy I thought he was. He is still him. All that good and unique is still in there. But his role in this was the catalyst. If it was for both of us or just me, only time will tell. I know that inspite of some of my choices, I’m getting off this roller coaster a better person than when I got on. That’s what this really is about, isn’t it? It’s not who gets the boy or who gets the girl. It’s who gets themselves. And since that really is only up to you, isn’t it fair?

Donut time!