what do you MEAN there is no santa claus?!?

sam running ahead
speckled orange leaf in his hair
first sign of autumn

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I "suffer" from magical childhood thinking.

It's characterized by an otherwise grown-up persons ability to believe in something that makes no good sense. Things such as imaginary friends, life being fair, toothfairies and horoscopes. It's the horoscope thing that's messing with me today.

15 days after a day that I probably should have a name for, like D-Day or The Terrible No Good Very Bad Day, this horoscope appeared in City Pages:

"I predict that some of you overly sensitive Pisceans will soon be beaten down by the cold, cruel world. Maybe you'll move in with your parents or flee to the middle of nowhere and live off the grid in a log cabin. Similarly, more than a few of you Piscean artists, actors, writers, and musicians will get weary of the uphill battle to make a living from doing what you love. You'll think about selling out, seeking dull but secure gigs in the corporate world. But I'm begging all of you not to give up. Please continue your heroic struggles to be true to yourselves. If you can manage to hold on a while longer, you will be blessed with a breakthrough no later than September 1."

Did you catch the whole September 1 thing. YEAH. That's TOMORROW and as far as I am aware, I have not had a breakthrough of any sort. Now, granted, I don't know exactly what Mr. Rob "Free-Will Astrology" Brezsny was referring to when he used the word "breakthrough" but I took it to mean that everything would be FINE as of September 1. Clearly, he has LIED to me.

Regular people with regular type thinking might not get this - but I'm really a little upset. Not crying upset and I am in no immanent danger of throwing myself on my bed anytime soon, but I did, honest to goodness, harbor a little hope that as of tomorrow my life would look more like a bouquet of happy daisies than the unfinished jigsaw puzzle it is.

When all this started, back in May, and I read that horoscope, I hung on to it. September 1 wasn't THAT far away. I could weather this. Fall would be great. We'd be happy and on and on and on. Silly? Probably. Er. I mean, TOTALLY. But I just can't help it. I really BELIEVED it. That's the whole magical thinking thing - you really believe stuff that most people would just think is nice and fuzzy and let slip through their minds.

Except for the few days where I get a little bummed because there is still a tooth and not a quarter under my pillow, I think I would pick to think this way if given an option. I mean, who WOULDN'T pick it?!? It's WAY better than adult non-magical thinking. Way better. So I'll bounce back at approximately 12:01 am on September 1. And I'll go ahead believing in horoscopes and that the spirit of my dead grandma lives in my Magic 8-Ball and that if you wish hard enough, sometimes it does come true.

And for those of you following my Adventures In Babysitting... I got pooped on today.