twirling twirling

My life is coming undone. All the duct tape, pipe cleaners, craft gauge wire, sticky tape, licorice ropes, twist ties, twine, ribbon and silly putty that I have used to patch up holes and hold loose ends together is getting weathered and is in need of replacement. The icky part is that I have used up my supplies and have nothing sticky or stringy to employ to the task. So what now?

I dunno.

I know some stuff. I can start there, I guess.

I know the facts of the situation. M decided at some point that this life, our life, was not what he wanted just right now and that a life with K was. So he left me. Had a 6 week tryst with her. Moved in with her. Decided his relationship with K was too much for him to deal with, too. So he cooled it with K. Sill lives there though. Isn’t as hot on her as be was before due to unforeseen snapiness and immaturity. BUT he still hangs out with her and stuff. So go figure. He wants us to be friends. So we hang out too. We kiss and hug and have sex, which supposedly he doesn’t do with her. We have “feelings” for each other. There is still love between us. I know I still love him, although as I write this I wonder what I’m thinking. And now all this icky financial crap is crashing down around me, all caused by this. And I feel like I’m drowning and that I am losing a lot of what I have worked for and he sits. He says he doesn’t want it to happen. Says he wishes it wasn’t happening. But in the end, doesn’t do anything to change it or help me or stop it. And so I get mad and hurt. And I eventually get over it and we go back to being friends until the end of the month when all the bills come due again and there isn’t anything to pay them with. Rinse, lather, repeat.

So that is what I know.

Now what do I do?

My mom says I have two choices and she is quite tired of hearing me lament about them. It’s a classic rock and a hard place scenario. I can choose to stay in this drama induced fish aquarium or I cannot. That’s it. I wish I had better choices. I wish I had the choice of only taking the good thats come from this and none of the bad. I wish I had the choice of jelly beans being legal tender vs. money (just for me though) and the mortgage company, condo association, electric company, IRS and friends would all be HAPPY to accept a big bag of jelly beans to clear all debts. YES, I wish I had that choice. I also wish I had the choice of donuts being good for you instead of bad for you, too. I think most people, especially bakers, would be SUPER happy if I was given that option. But alas. My choice is as stated above, and said exceptionally well by The Clash: Should I stay or should I go?

I dunno.

Seems I haven’t gotten very far.

Fabulous!

I can see why my mother is tired of me.

I SHOULD try to figure something out. I mean, it’s MY life after all and it seems silly to waste it hanging around for my heart to be broken. I should let the cowgirl in me out and be all FUCK YOU and head outta town. But then the hopeless romantic side kicks in and pokes memories of moments that were so perfect you’d have thought Hollywood had been involved. And then if THAT weren’t enough, it pokes the Mother Of All Mushy Memories – the “You will marry him.” moment. That one ALWAYS gets me. I mean, what the FUCK was that anyway?!? I was sooooo not looking to get married. I wasn’t sure I wanted that even. I barely knew him and THAT pops into my head at the same time as it pops into his head. That’s nuts, right?!? Totally NUTS.

(Ummmm, did y’all read my entry on childhood magical thinking? Yeah. That might be playing a small role here.)

But anyway! I mean, that IS weirdly romantic. It’s all destiny and fate and cosmic swirling happiness, isn’t it? It’s something that I had thought for sure only happened in books and movies. When it happened in real life… it was… AMAZING. It was like suddenly finding out that birthday wishes really DO come true and there was a stable in rural Wisconsin with all the ponies I’d wished for between the ages of 4 and 8 just waiting for my visit! A girl can’t just walk away from a moment like that. Can she? I mean really… can she??

Can I?

I dunno!

That sentence looks oddly familiar.

I read a quote today in a piece Garrison Keillor wrote. He was quoting Dante. “Dante said that the hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of crisis remain neutral.” That made me feel better. NOT that I believe in hell or think that M is heading there at all. I don’t. But it made me feel better in a way that other people believe that inaction is sometimes the worst KIND of action. It’s nice to have some brainy scholars back you up every once in a while. M is all about the inaction. He doesn’t do anything to fix this mess he’s created, but worries about it just the same. I get pissy and demand he makes decisions and he shuts down and goes to band practice. I told him today that doing nothing is the same as doing something and it doesn’t let you off the hook. It counts. It really does count. And he better pack a lot of sun block if Dante is right.

SO.

Where does this leave me?

In the same stoopid spot I have apparently tethered myself too.

OH MY GOD. Am I turning into that girl who will ask herself questions OUTLOUD and THEN proceed to answer then as though being interviewed by some unseen newsperson?!?

YIKES! I am.

Must stop.

Must stop!!

OK. I was saying… I am in the same spot. Not willing to walk away 100%. Not willing to stick around 100%. I am so confused that I can’t even give out percentages or what the Vegas odds would be. If you are a betting person, put your money on the blue one. That’s the best I can offer.

I feel like I should make some kind of decision here. Take a stand! End with a few hundred eloquent words on why he is worth it, all When Harry Met Sally style. OR end it with a feminist manifesto on how men stink and fuck ‘em all, I’m off to be a lesbian. And NO you can’t video tape it, you pervert. But I got nothing.

I am meeting him for a few beer drinks this evening, after he finishes up band practice. So maybe I’ve made my decision to repeat, and am grabbing for the shampoo AGAIN. I dunno! I would like to know. But I don’t. And I guess that’s gonna have to be good enough for now.