college ruled even!

seeing him so small,
i realized that the world
had beat him down, too

---------

Where did this weekend go? It has been lost in a swirl of work and emotions and beer and THC and naps and hair braids and pipe cleaner horns. I liked it though. Even the icky parts, I think.

I’m crazy tired right now. Waiting for laundry to finish so I can hang up the shirt I hope to wear tomorrow and cross my fingers that it will dry despite the drizzle outside. Monday morning I’m going to attempt what is most likely fraud to get my dryer fixed for a mere $4 but until then, it’s finger crossing and trips to the laundromat that doesn’t so much smell like laundry as it does damp gym socks.

I think I realized this afternoon that M’s life isn’t all fabulous fantastic funner than fun nights of adventure where he can eat mac and cheese for dinner every single night and his neighbors have a pony that they let him ride before bed time. Somehow, on the couch, facing him, he seemed like he was lost in a world that wasn’t being very nice to him at all and I kinda realized that I was most likely the mouth piece for that mean mean world just then too. And what’s even more amazing to me is that his world is maybe just as mean to him as my world has been to me.

A SAT simile emerged: M is to this big heap of emotional goo as H is to:
a) socklettes
b) chocolaty flavored breakfast cereals
c) the big heap of accounting nightmare in the armoire
d) pudding

The answer: C

That’s something I can relate to. That’s something that actually makes me shut down and day dream longingly of being catatonic. I can only cope with what is hidden in the otherwise harmless armoire by never ever thinking of it. I go out of my way to NOT deal with it. And maybe that’s what this gigantic emotional puddle of goo is to M. It’s a big landslide threatening to wisk him away and he just has to walk away for now. Just like I have to do with the mountain of receipts and daily sales reports and taxes and bills that is everything I don’t want to think about. I just shut the doors, grab my keys and walk away. I kinda get the whole shutting down thing now. It just took a while. WOW. I CAN learn.

So I just want to say that I'm sticking around. Maybe it's my sleepiness talking, but I could fill a notebook with all the reasons why he is still absolutely worth this. From the big obvious things like his creative superhero-like talents to the smallest things like his KISS coloring book and his gift for rhyming poems written on the fly and decorated with clip art.

Alright. I go seepy now.