i can't hear you! i can't hear you!

I bought a writing book. Looks like I’m committed to this. Know what that means: this will be my last post.

The holidays have crept up and pinched me in the ass. I’m feeling rather scroogish. Not that I’ll be whispering to 5 year olds at the mall that there is no Santa, or stealing plastic lit up snowmen from carefully decorated yards. No. It’s not like that. Others can have their cheer, I’d just rather not know about it. I’m trying to pretend that the holidays are not upon us. Pretending that it’s still October. Pretending that it’ll be October until it’s mid January. I’m plugging my ears and closing my eyes and singing “La La La!” at the top of my lungs. Please note the absence of the holiday cheer filled “Fa” there. It was on purpose.

:A: wants a Christmas tree. Which is going to make it slightly harder to ignore the holidays. I can just pretend it’s an overgrown houseplant. With things hanging on it. That also happens to be lit up. With pretty boxes underneath. Maybe I’ll just stop hanging out in the living room for a while.

Radio stations are off limits, so is shopping. I’ll have to have everything delivered. TV might be a little dangerous as well, with all the strategically placed Christmas specials and their fury claymation and catchy holiday tunes. Billboards, eggnog, snow. How am I going to ignore snow? I live in Minneapolis!?! I can dress inappropriately for the weather. Wear skirts and open toed shoes and look quizzically at people who ask me if I’m cold. I could carefully arrange a chain of extension corded together space heaters all along my walk to work. That idea is full of potential! Especially since I only live half a block away!

I could go and live in a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, if there is such a thing anymore. With all the invading and such. But I could try! I’m sure my mom would still track me down for a care package full of cookies and fruit cake and a silly Christmas card. Arg! It seems unavoidable. Too bad when you have one of those page-a-day calendars it doesn’t actually stop time if you stop removing the page a day. Then they would be worth the $8.95.

Here is my MySpace profile: http://profiles.myspace.com/users/11196283

Here is what I’m listening to right now: The Who mixed with the sound of cars driving by in the rain.

Things between M and I are surprisingly calm. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But there it is. It’s been a week now. Which isn’t much I know, but it’s at least something. He’s been sleeping on the couch. We’ve watched TV. We’ve kissed a little. We’ve drank two bottles of wine and had food that came from this place in the house where there is a sink and a stove and stuff. My heart is still in bubble wrap. I’ve had realizations that I consider to be big and huge and important. Stuff like me being the only person who can put my life back together. Stuff like all I can do is control my reactions to things, not the things themselves. Stuff like I have to let him do what he’s gonna do and let my feelings for him change if they need to. I think I’m letting go. It’s kinda weird and kinda scary, but nice at the same time. Apparently, I’m the knight in shining armor I was hoping for.

Here is what I’m wondering: what would Jane Pratt do?