When we moved into our house about a year ago, the previous owner, a persnickety friend of ours, left us a little house warming present: a case of Crackling Hearth Loggs. Never having had a fireplace before, I was kinda unsure what to do with them. Were they for building forts? Were they really an unassembled coffee table from IKEA? Did they float? Could I use them as weighty log shaped throw pillows? Could I slice ‘em and serve them with mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy?
Holding out one curiously, I asked M what they were. He replied: They’re firewood for people like Alfred. Alfred = yuppie. Me = got it.
After using up the case, we kinda started making fun of them. We immediately switched to real wood and for the first time realized that fires could be both warm and nice smelling. Who knew?! But this autumn, Logg has made a come back.
Fall in Minnesota is all about being fucking COLD. Once the splendor of the season wears off (about a week) it changes to a season of freezing rain, gusty winds and no sun ever. Which is why it’s so odd that there is no firewood to be had in a five mile radius of the house.
You know what there is to be had at the grocery store just up the street though?? Yup, you guessed it: Logg.
I have come to love Logg. My new favorite thing is to curl up on the couch with M, hold hands, drink trailer trash wine and make fun of Logg.
Logg is good for the one liners! Here are the things we tease Logg about:
To ignite Logg, you start it’s package on fire. The package is where all the directions are! Not only directions for how to start Logg (i.e. ignite package) but for the care and maintenance of Logg as you watch it burn. Important things such as “Do not poke Logg,” “Do not look at Logg in an aggressive manner,” and “Do not feed Logg people food.”
Logg comes in Color Change Logg and Regular Logg. Why even make Regular Logg anymore? Why would anyone pick Regular Logg over Fucking Awesome Color Change Logg? Plain Ol’ Fire Color Logg vs. Uber Cool Logg With Color Changing Fire Crystals… no contest! Yet they keep making Regular Logg. Go figure.
You are to only burn one Logg at a time. OH, THE TEMPTATION. Each time I pick up some Logg at the grocery store, I always pick up two. I only ever burn one though, apparently, I'm a chicken. I wish the flammable package would go into more detail as to why one Logg equals three hours of fun for the whole family and two Loggs equal burning inferno, but it does not. Still I toy with the idea and swear as each individual Logg burns down to just glowing embers, that next time, I’m putting in two.
Logg claims to be firewood yet it does not smell or cast off any heat. M and I think Logg is really torn up and compressed Dr. Phil books. That makes more sense.
Logg is more than just fun to look at it, it’s fun to say as well! Logg! Logg! Logg! It’s especially fun after a bottle of cheap wine! Try it some time! You’ll see!
To recap: Logg = Awesome! Logg With Color Changing Fire Crystals = SUPER Awesome! Real Firewood = smelly and hot.
Now go get your very own Logg and if you don’t have a fireplace, just make sure to burn it in your bath tub.
Enjoy!!!
4 comments:
If your bath tub is made of fiberglass, which most modern tubes are, this logg fest will result in a house burning.
Forget Logg. This post is a bonfire.
J.
I am lazy and therfore love logg, especially the multi-colored ones!!!
Logg also has the convenient feature of not hosting wasps, termites or carpenter ants when you store your Loggs in the garage over the summer. And Logg doesn't need to dry out after being cut down in the "Logg Forestt". Logg is good.
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