down Tim, down!

Dinner last night was like Meet The Press. It’s nice that no one wants me to leave. And even nicer that one by one they seem to be coming around to the idea. Apparently, I’m pretty good at pulling shit out of my ass. My confusion on the matter comes and goes. Their confusion on the matter was laid to rest, New Orleans style, over loud music, fried food and much alcohol.

The Canadian puts it best: I’m trying to find a way to stop being unhappy.

Hence the move. Athens, Georgia. Peaches, peanuts and rock stars. Woo-hoo!

I have a little thing for the south. A crush of sorts. Southern accents make my knees weak. I love how green and warm it is. How the summer air is like breathing underwater. I love the kitsch of it all, too. Waffle houses, absurd metaphors, sweet tea. I want to take a million pictures. I want to come back one day with a slight twang in my speech and the relaxed glow of a southern bell dressed down in blue jeans and a rock n roll t-shirt.

One of my favorite quotes is this: Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down.

Here I go!

It’s been like a roller coaster with M again this week. Fun! The ups were way up. The lows, a little easier somehow.

The best up was a rousing game of late night truth or dare. We were both tipsy on beer drinks, laying in bed, holding hands. Talking. We were asking each other questions about things we’ve done, things we’d like to do, our favorite things about each other. Mostly naughty. Mostly x-rated. Lots of giggling and coy whispers. Daring each other for kisses and more. The anticipation was wonderfully excruciating. It was all butterflies and tingles once we gave in to it. Ended the night drifting in and out of sleep, sweaty, still holding hands.

You know how in movies, they’ll have the film montage of all the happy moments. Like in Annie Hall. The lobster incident, her nutty outfits, the snappy one-liners. All the good times, boiled down to a mutual laugh or a certain look or a knowing smile. Carefully crafted fifteen second snippets to tug at your heart strings and make you root for love over circumstance. Yeah. You know the ones. Our little game of truth or dare woulda made it into our montage. It was that nice.

The low. A tantrum. I AM A TWO YEAR OLD. I was mad, I refused to budge from his truck. We sat there in near silence for over half an hour. Haven’t talked since. We work together tomorrow. I assume the first I’ll see of him will be when he walks past the front store windows. His grandpa’s jean jacket on, backpack over his shoulder. Looking straight ahead, probably nervous to see me. Just like I’ll be nervous to see him. Dunno if we’ll be friends by the end of the day. Dunno if we’ll be anything by the end of the day. All I know is that I’ll see him walk past the front windows tomorrow and my heart will race.

My mom started speaking to me again today. Well… speaking might be too kind a term. It was more like yelling. But it’s better than nothing. So that’s cool.

I’m drinking lots of tea today. My stomach is queasy. I have no appetite. Stress, most likely. Bad cheese puff, less likely.

Here is the only tea that I like hot: Good Earth Original.

Here is why that’s surprising to all who know me: I’m not such a big fan of the cinnamon.

I hung out with A this afternoon. Another convert to the Athens cause! Yee-haw!

I think I am having a moment of sanity! OH, no worries, it will be fleeting. Here is what I can see right this second: I need space, too. For as stubborn as M is with wanting time to sort this out, I am as stubborn in not wanting it. I push, he pushes back. Here is the interesting thing though – my pushing doesn’t do anything to further what I want. Yet I do it anyway. I don’t want him back unless he is ready to come back. I need to trust that he’s had time to sort himself out and that if he comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with me that it’s real and honest and backed by a big commitment on his part to do his best. The only way I’ll ever believe that is if he has the time and space he says he needs. I know that he loves me. I know that we have something special and unique between us. I just need to put that in my pocket and go.

Building

my

wings

on

the

way

down.