i'd like a kitten, please

I started therapy today. 4pm. Crazy rush hour traffic to get there. I was late. She was gracious. I have another appointment next week. The surprise: I actually felt hopeful on the drive home.

Here is the thing she said that made me like her right away: where did you get the idea that law school was supposed to be pleasant?

I have homework from her! An excuse to write about myself some more!! Yay! I am to make a list of all the things I want and of all the things I don’t like. The catch: they have to be the same length. Gulp!

I’ll take y’all along for my therapy ride if you wanna come! Hope on in! The Canadian already called shot gun.

Here goes.

Things I want: to feel comfortable with my new and evolving body, calm, to be cared for when I need it, to feel heard, to write and be read, to flirt, donuts, for it to be simple and good between M and me, to share Asian food with friends, to laugh at silly things, happy daydreams, to get high and drunk and have teenaged fun, to take good care of myself, to trust my kick ass intuition, sunny days, freedom, attention, music, art, poems, to write haiku, to go out and see bands or hang with friends, financial stability, a kitten, to still believe in things like life is fair and people are good, to feel more and more whole, to be trusted and to be able to trust, good friends, close family, carefree-ness, kindness, to have balance, to be alright no matter what,

Things I don’t like: accounting, money woes, the coffee shop, limbo, waking up early, being with M when it’s bad, the mess at the house, being talked about by my neighbors, lying, being lied to, sour cream, feeling invisible, being stuck, feeling trapped, worry, rage, not knowing what’s best for me all the time, still believing in things like life is fair and people are good, cloudy days, decisions that are between icky and ickier, going in circles, how close to the surface my emotions are lately, not being able to give M a break, M needing a break in the first place, gossip, mean girls, being in the dark, feeling lonely, not understanding things I want so badly to understand, having regrets, being pinched by bullies, jelly beans,

Surprise number two: the list I thought would be the harder to write, was the easier one. Go figure.