the ground opened up
and suddenly i was gone
he didn’t notice
- - - - - - - - - -
There is so much churning inside me it’s hard to spit out these words. Big mean authoritarian voices, scolding. I should have stayed home. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. I am not pretty. I have funny shaped lips. My eyes are lopsided. My body, unbelievably flawed. I am not clever. I am not precious. Or special. Or anything written on a 3rd grade sticker of accomplishment. It’s loud sometimes. Drowning out everything else. Drowning. Holding me under. I am not anything. I am not worth any work. The. Most. Beautiful. Girl. I. Have. Ever. Seen. In. Person. Thinks. She. Has. A. Pin. Head. And that is just what she says aloud.
I have to write that I am worth work on the black board a hundred times in dusty white chalk. I am worth a swim across an ocean. I am worth a million poems. That voice is small. Small and defiant. A quiet little whisper from a secret little hidden room. I am good. I am adorable. I am swimming. I am pretty. I have eyes that speak for me beautifully. My smile lights up rooms. I am a good person. I am kind. Clever. Whip smart. Loveable. Goose bump inducing. My friends are lucky. The boys I choose to kiss are the luckiest boys in the world. My hands are so soft it’s like they aren’t even there. My heart is sometimes all I can hear. It’s thumping downs out traffic noise.
I am worth work.
I am worth work.
I.
Am.
6 comments:
I like the second paragraph the best.
Its way more accurate.
J.
Thanks! And you're funny. And although I've not got the personal experience, I'm quite certain that your hands are so soft it's like they're not even there.
you posted a comment on my blog about my big face - and wow, how very profound...i never thought if it in that way before...so i bumped on over to your blog to see if i could drink from your knowledge faucet and whadaya know? "The most beautiful girl I have ever met in person thinks she has a pin head. And that's what she says out loud." or sth to that effect and I thought...yeah. When I finished reading this post, I felt much better about myself and the vast expanse of flesh that sits atop my neck. So. Thanks. Haiku. Girl. :)
wow.
and to think i was just coming here to say thanks for commenting about my pinchable soup pot. ;)
the voices coming from my pizza are united in requesting more red pepper flakes, which is to say that this is one marvelous piece of self-examination in writing.
even where the dog
sleeps...
red fallen leaves
(Issa)
You're good enough, smart enough, and dog gonnit, people like you.
All of the things you say are 100% true. Look in the mirror like Stewart Smalley if you have to and read that entry as many times as you have to in order to believe it. Tell yourself these things enough and hopefully you'll start to believe them. So what if you think your eyes are a little crooked or your lips look funny? Nobody thinks they're perfect, and if they do, they're not fun to be around. I speak from experience.
Sincerely,
Someone who is lucky enough to know this person
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