glow glitter groove gumball gip gip grime goo gee

I’ve hardly written. Kinda because of Christmas and good cheer and egg nog and sugar plums and “all that David Copperfield kind of crap.” Kinda because I’m sorta sick of myself. Blah blah blah. Yeah, boys can be assholes, girls can be mean, everyone can be selfish. Hasn't this story been around since penises were invented? There is much worse in the world than my little problems. If there was a way to textly shrug my shoulders, I'd do it here: ______

Dang.

I’m not as upset as I come off.

This whole thing misses out on the eyebrows. I write something like that and I seem all sullen and basement dwelling, but when you know me. DANG. When you know me, it’s not like that at all. I am full of sugar and spice and one liners and tap dances with my tounge kinda sticking out to one side. My glass is half full even when it’s empty. In my medical records somewhere it says I “suffer” from childhood magical thinking. That’s the “what do you mean there is no Santa Claus, I just saw him at the mall” kind of thinking. That's the horoscopes are true and maybe I'm a superhero kind of thinking.

I am as not set up as I off come.

Meanwhile, I’ve been making glitter paintings like I was the principal set designer for the magical musical known as Xanadu.

Did you know that crafting is the new rock and roll?

I sparkle when the lights are down low.

Do you ever think of tradgedy in terms of people lost forever? Today, 115,000 people killed. For the generations to come, it's multiplied. 250,000 people, 500,000 people, a million. So very sad. Who would those people have been?

I picture the entrance to what comes next to be like a crowded subway station right now.

Like I said. My problems are small.

Do you ever wonder what you want? Who you would be without radio or tv or catalogues to influence you. Without the Jones to keep up with? Ever wonder what you’d invent if no one had ever invented anything? Me, I think I woulda invented the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Maching.

Or maybe I would have invented George Foreman.

With my magic wand.

hoppy knew leer!

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2004 THAT YOU'D NEVER DONE BEFORE?
I got high for the first time!

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I don’t think I made any last year. And I probably won’t make any this year. Apparently, I’m perfect and in no need of annual improvements.

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Nope!

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
Nope!

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
Canada. For about 5 minutes. In the rain. Funner than it sounds!

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2005 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2004?
Love. Trust. Peace. Quiet. Calm. Some kind of predictability. Some kind of fun unpredictability.

7. WHAT DATES FROM 2004 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY AND WHY?
Leap Day. May 17. December 4. Y'all know why.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
Not running away.

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Not running away.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
I didn’t. But my gallbladder had a rough couple of months.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
New jeans in a size that finally started with a 1 instead of a 2! WOO HOO!

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MERITED CELEBRATION?
Jason for being some kind of sad girl saving super hero. Christa for giving me some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten nearly every time she opened her mouth. Irene for being there without question when I needed her. Lisa for being so sweet and smart and insightful. My mom for being a shoulder to cry on. Holly and Bean for being so fucking funny and keeping it light and simple. Amy for being so funny and nice and brand new.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
Mike.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
Bills, bills and more bills.

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
New friends! Pollyblogging! New pollyblog friends!

16. WHAT SONG WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2004?
Float On by Modest Mouse. That was my happy song this summer!

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR ARE YOU:
a) Happier or sadder? It’s a toss up.
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, baby.
c) Richer or poorer? Way way way poorer.

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE MORE OF?
Laughing.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE LESS OF?
Weeping.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?
Amazingly enough, with Mike’s family. Opening presents and eating too much.

21. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2004?
Nope.

22. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
None.

23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TV PROGRAM?
The Housewives of Desperation, hell yeah!

24. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE LAST YEAR?
I dunno about hate. I definitely dislike some people that I didn’t dislike this time last year.

25. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?
The Hold Steady and that seeing local music in bars is FUN!

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
The year ending better than expected.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?
To be loved by a boy in a way that makes me feel crazy amounts of special.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE FILM OF THE YEAR?
Napoleon Dynamite or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

30. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I turned 33 and all I remember is that I got a sewing machine.

31. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
The ability to fly.

32. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL FASHION CONCEPT IN 2004?
Aging hipster.

33. WHAT KEPT YOU SANE?
My friends! GOD, I love you guys.

34. WHICH CELEBRITY/PUBLIC FIGURE DID YOU FANCY THE MOST?
Isaac Brock. We’re gonna be married one day!

<-- my boyfriend!

35. WHAT POLITICAL ISSUE STIRRED YOU THE MOST?
The gay marriage debate – can’t we all just get along?

36. WHO DID YOU MISS?
Mike, he was here the whole time, but I missed the him I had known and loved for so many years.

37. WHO WAS THE BEST NEW PERSON YOU MET?
Jason and Amy. It’s a tie. They are both super cool and great friends.

38. TELL US A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON YOU LEARNED IN 2004:
Look out for yourself, because no one else is.

39. QUOTE A SONG LYRIC THAT SUMS UP YOUR YEAR.
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans

Your turn!!

take that

I’m oddly captivated with that horrific news story about the baby who was kidnapped from her mother while still in utero. The mother died. The baby is doing well. Well only because she can’t yet grasp how she came into this world. To be born into such violence and lose your mother to it, that is a burden to bare. That is the beginning of a book. Some hero tale where this little girl goes on to save the world. Something where she has a handful of unique talents, like smarts and intuition and a black belt in karate by the tender age of 5. Something where she has a group of ragtag friends who are devoted to her journey and possess their own special blend of cleverness and cunning. They journey off to make the world free of evil, despite her being born of it.

She will have to be raised by people who don’t love her as they should. Who make her do chores and never buy her any toys. People who told her that her mother abandoned her on their doorstep. She will have only a few close friends, but those friends will be like family to her. They stick together though thick and thin. She will be happy in spite of her circumstance because she knows there is something great brewing inside of her. She will excel at most everything, except she will lack one thing. Perhaps the ability to win at chess. And then winning at chess will be what she has to do to save the world.

Then one day, she’ll get a letter or a visit from a stranger who she immediately takes a shine to. This mysterious stranger will tell her the truth of how she was born. That the woman who killed her mother was really trying to kill her, but she survived and now is the only person who can stop evil from taking over the world. There would have to be some kind of amulet. She would need to go get it. Or keep it safe. And once that was done, fight the ring leader of the evildoers and save the world.

She would have to venture into a secret world unknown to us. A world where there is a raging battle of good vs. evil. Where each day is fought for. Each deed fought for. A world that is in control of us like puppets. We fall to their whims and evil is perched to win the game. But they are missing the amulet to complete the set, and they smell that it is afoot.

So this little girl has to keep the amulet safe and get it to the kindly old man who is the leader of the good. This amulet will tilt the scales and make the world safer, for a while. So she gathers her friends and starts on this journey. She only has a ragged map and a vague idea of where she needs to go. She will find her way. She will be betrayed by a friend. Her mentor will die. She will have moments where she thinks she can see her mom, where she thinks her mom has helped her, only to find out that it was her who saved her. She will think of giving up. She will think that this journey is too much for her, but she will press on with the support of her friends. She will engage in a battle of wills and smarts and intuition with a evil sage much older and wiser than her. She will think she has won when she will come upon a final game. A maze of sorts. With pieces to move and strategy to be strategized. Her math whiz friend will whisper in her ear that it’s just like chess excitedly, not knowing she has never won a game of chess in her whole life. She’ll sit down at the board and play this evil mastermind for fate of the world. Her winning move will be linked to something she learned on this journey. There will be a flashback to a wise word about how evil always plays to win, only looks out for itself. So making a move that is kind or strives to tie the game instead of win it throws off the sage’s plan. Makes her win the game. Saves the world.

But it won’t get her mom back. But she’ll also learn her mom has been with her the whole time. The kindly old man who leads the good will fill in all the gaps in the story. Everything will be clear. She’ll understand her place in the world and why what happened, happened. She’ll find a new home with people who love her.

Her world will be saved as well.

The end.

evil eye

I’ve never been the kind of girl who can stay angry for long. Or hold a grudge. Definitely not the kind of girl to bring up the past in snippy one liners years later. Or give you that look at a party. You know the look. The wait until we get home look. I don’t do that. (Cringe when I see others do it.) I’m not the kind of girl to let things build up and simmer into a thick resentment. I’m definitely not the kind of girl to plot revenge. Or take glee in another’s misfortune, regardless of circumstance.

No. Those things aren’t me.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and suffer from a compulsion to make sure you know how I feel. I can’t hide even the most happy and subtle of emotions. If I get you a birthday present a few days before your birthday, I can’t even wait that long to give it to you. I write long posts to rid myself of demons and have never plotted anything worse than a surprise party in my entire life. I have a capacity for compassion that rivals a 4 year old’s capacity for cartoon viewing. I am your best friend through thick and thin. Loyal to a fault. I still believe in things that most people outgrow with their first broken heart. I wear my rose colored glassed with pride.

The nicest little nick name I’ve ever been called: princess. In the sweet way. In the “you should be adored my millions” way. Andrew said that.

The nicest little nick name I’ve ever called anyone: Cocoa Puff. In the “I could just eat you up” kind of way. That was M.

If I had a million dollars I would divide it up equally among all my friends and family.

If I had a really big brownie, I’d eat it all myself.

You can trust me.

I’ll trust you even when I shouldn’t.

I like cats the best.

I make up dances.

I punched someone in the nose once and made them bleed. A lot. Not a good day.

I think it’s really really funny when someone slips and falls.

Even if they get hurt.

I accidentally dropped a baby off a changing table once.

I learned that being manipulative is a lot of work and gave it up in my early 20s.

I was someone’s mistress once.

I’ll never do that again.

But then I kinda did that again this summer.

I’ve stolen money and things long ago.

I can’t lie very well.

But I'll try anyway sometimes.

58 toes

We bought a house just over a year ago. It’s one of six units in a Melrose Place style building, sans pool. It has a basement and three levels. Built in 1926, there are built-ins and hardwood floors and lots of charm. It’s all crooked and slanty and sometimes I think it will collapse at any moment. There is a fireplace and a tv room and a kitchen so small all the appliances have been blasted with our shrink ray in order to fit. We call it The HOM. Or the CONDOM, given it's condominium status.

Yesterday, it felt like a HOME for the first time in our forever there. It has something to do with :A: and her things filling out the gaps in our things and her just being there really. A happy face to come home to. And her feathered friends, too. I love their tweeting. It has something to do with M and HIM the cat being there. M’s kitschy contributions to the décor polka dotting all the rooms. His basement bedroom, all circa 16 year old him. His guitar playing making its way through the heating vents and filling the rooms with music as homey as fresh baked bread. And it has to do with me. My art on the walls. The odd ball colors I opted to paint everything. I am a maker of the cozy. I know how to fluff a pillow and fold a blanket in such a way that you want to take a nap the second you look at ‘em. It’s a gift.

I was finishing my paint-by-number when I felt it. :A: was getting ready to meet her boyfriend for coffee and studying at Spyhouse. M was waiting for his friend N to pick him up to go play music at an open mic night in northeast Minneapolis. I didn’t have anywhere to be, but a movie to watch and a painting to finish. It just kinda hit me and I felt at home and smilie and thankful for it. Lucky even. It’s a nice place. Full of funky things. Overflowing with neat people.

Happy.

doom doom doom doom doom

Today is Pretend You Are From Outer Space Day!

Yay!

Inspired by Invader Zim!

He is an alien invader who, like most alien invaders, wishes to take over Earth through a string of evil plots and hijackings.

Also, like many alien invaders, he is petite.

Here are fun facts about Invader Zim:

• He like waffles that have waffles in them!
• He has a dog that isn’t really a dog named Gir.
• He calls money “earth monies.”
• He occasionally sports a name tag that says “Human” on it.
• He has an “I HEART EARTH!” sign in his front yard.
• He asks people things like this: “In the event of, say, a full scale invasion, how prepared would you say this planet’s defenses would be?”
• His understanding of human biology is smallish and adorable: “You can't keep your eyes closed forever! You have to breathe sometime!”

Being from outer space myself (just for today) I have come up with my own list of words to describe common earth items for my fellow invaders:
• head = brain bag
• home = earth shelter
• car = motorized automobile car
• children = underdeveloped earthinoid beings
• pets = underspecies companion slaves
• food = nourishment pellets

These from my pollyblog pal and companion alien invader, Jason:
• cat = apathy creature
• bus = motorized crowd organizer
• sushi = smelly sustenance
• sitcoms = timely hilarity
• slippers = furry foot wear
• paper towels = roll of sponge

Coming Soon: More from my partners in earthly misdeeds!

Make your own list, er, your own stacked pile of thinked thoughts! It’s fun!

Now on to two important side notes:

#1. Apparently this has been on the box since 1978 (thanks, Internet!) but today was the first day I realized that Frosted Flakes are actually Frosted Flakes Of Corn. I had no idea. Probably because it's written all small under the 1000 point sized "Frosted Flakes."



#2. I came home from a babysitting interview feeling rather hungry and lo and behold, :A: was making dinner for all of us. It was like a present! I couldn’t have been more happy to smell supper smells than I was just then and to top it off it was delicious :A:-A-Roni with cheese. Happiness!

candy apple grey

the ground opened up
and suddenly i was gone
he didn’t notice

- - - - - - - - - -

There is so much churning inside me it’s hard to spit out these words. Big mean authoritarian voices, scolding. I should have stayed home. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. I am not pretty. I have funny shaped lips. My eyes are lopsided. My body, unbelievably flawed. I am not clever. I am not precious. Or special. Or anything written on a 3rd grade sticker of accomplishment. It’s loud sometimes. Drowning out everything else. Drowning. Holding me under. I am not anything. I am not worth any work. The. Most. Beautiful. Girl. I. Have. Ever. Seen. In. Person. Thinks. She. Has. A. Pin. Head. And that is just what she says aloud.

I have to write that I am worth work on the black board a hundred times in dusty white chalk. I am worth a swim across an ocean. I am worth a million poems. That voice is small. Small and defiant. A quiet little whisper from a secret little hidden room. I am good. I am adorable. I am swimming. I am pretty. I have eyes that speak for me beautifully. My smile lights up rooms. I am a good person. I am kind. Clever. Whip smart. Loveable. Goose bump inducing. My friends are lucky. The boys I choose to kiss are the luckiest boys in the world. My hands are so soft it’s like they aren’t even there. My heart is sometimes all I can hear. It’s thumping downs out traffic noise.

I am worth work.

I am worth work.

I.

Am.

isn't he cute?

For two days, I could eat cheese unbothered.

Let me explain.

:A:’s mom was visiting this weekend. She stayed with us. “The more, the merrier!” is apparently our motto. In order to make her stay comfortable, we had to lose the cat. She’s allergic. He’s furry. Enough said. So I made arrangements for HIM to visit a kitty resort, otherwise known as J and K’s house.

We love J and K. Did I mention that?

My first worry was their Christmas tree. I saw it all WWF style, with HIM in one corner and the tree in the other. There would be end of round bells and a referee and jeering fans. I pictured him swinging from the branches and ornaments crashing all around him, the lights flickering. This crazed look in his eyes. But you know what, he totally ignored it! Must have just thought it an overgrown, picky houseplant. Must have thought it was an air freshener. Either way, a trip to Target to replace all their holiday flare was unnecessary. Thank GOD, because we’re broke!

My second worry was that he would make himself too at home. Which he did. He always does. He has a lot of kitty self esteem and chutzpah. He is food obsessed. Wants to smell everything. When you open the refrigerator he hops up on his hind legs, paws on a shelf, and sniffs around for something that strikes his fancy. And if he finds it, he bats at it until it’s within reach, grabs it with his teeth and makes a run for it. Cheese is a favorite. You can’t leave anything on the counter or within jumping reach, which is surprisingly far given his small stature, or he’ll eat it. We’ve woken up to many a chewed up bag of bread or a half eaten cake. He has a sweet tooth, too. It’s crazy. He spanks scones. Loves bagels. Will climb you for a taste of blueberry muffin.

The first checking in phone call consisted of me apologizing for 1) HIM not letting them get any sleep 2) HIM eating everything he could 3) HIM spilling yogurt on the floor and 4) HIM's pesky want of attention. They tried to keep him out of their room because J has cat allergies too, and of course, their room was the only place he wanted to be. Meowing and scratching on the door. When J took a nap, not having gotten any sleep the night before thanks to the aforementioned meowing and scratching, she woke up with him on her chest and a piece of string by her side. He wanted to play. He figured out how to open the door. No good.

The second checking in phone call consisted of more apologies. He ate a bunch of bread that they had “hidden” on top of the refrigerator. K opted to sleep on the couch with HIM so J could get some sleep. Thankfully, that worked. Cold weather HIM is a snuggler. And then to pay K back for keeping him company all night, HIM ate all K’s scrambled eggs. And they were fancy scrambled eggs to with cream cheese and herbs. He hit the motherload.

“When are you guys coming to get HIM?’

“Immediately?”

“Yeah.”

banana bandana billowing breathlessly boing boing

I have the attention span of a gnat. My mind flips from topic to topic, thing to thing with lightening speed. I’m easily distracted. Easy to entertain. The vacant look in my eyes probably means I’m ignoring you. My hair looks fabulous today. Don’t you think? Who are all these people walking by, alive at the same time as me? The picket fence across the street looks like it’s made of licorice. I wonder what the cat is doing. Why does caffeine do this to me? I have natural rhythm. I love to tap dance. Smooth bossa nova beats are falling like raindrops around me. Hitting the floor with the sound of a wisk broom gliding over a snare drum. My stomach is growling for no good reason. Will I ever match who I think I am? The most beautiful woman I have ever seen in person thinks she has a pin head. What would I trade to be able to fly? What would she trade? Is this really that bad? I sold almost all my books. Losing proof of my intellect became more attractive then lugging them around. Nothing left to say how smart I am other than me. How smart am I? Is this a game? A race? Can I take my ball and go home now? I wonder what my favorite song would be had I heard every song. The strongest M&M should be used for breeding purposes. Does anyone eat Hostess Fruit Pies anymore? Why doesn’t the FDA demand that fruit pie be in quotes? I want to play a vicious game of Scrabble. I want motorcycle boots. I have a thousand ideas for a-line skirts. And paintings. And collages. And dioramas. Evil bands of pixies who steal baby limbs and hide them in flower blossoms. The aftermath of a wedding gone wrong. Pink polka dots. Stripes. Patterns. Men’s ties on the bias. Half and half is not good on cereal. Joyce has bats in her belfry. Louise always runs. Will the house fit the three of us? Will the three of us fit the house? I love screen prints. Graphic. Colorful. The simple ones are best. The ones with words are best. I’m going to the art sale today. Picking over the picked over. I want to play an instrument. I want to sing. I want to sing like a bird. I want to roller skate and drink eggnog. Like Christmas break when I was 12. All my childhood memories are in golden hazy colored Kodacrome. I came across letters when I cleaned the basement. Wonder where Jack is. Wonder where Andrew is. Wonder where Dave is. Of the three, Andrew is the one I wonder about most. Brilliant. Boyish charm. Brontosaurus. Boisterous. Bang bang. Beveled. Beehive. Burdon. Bluelight. Brain crazy. Bigger than life. Bubblegum pink. Bam do bloop goo ja ja goo. Bursting.

it's his pants that are square

Ah, Friday afternoon at the little shop of horrors.

Last night was the first night with all the roommates in the HOM! We stayed up late making crank phone calls and braiding each other’s hair. Then we skipped around the block holding hands. All the elements are there for us to be a big happy family, I guess it’s just a matter of seasoning. Here are the happy inducing elements, in no particular order because, again, that would be too hard:

• We all heart the Daily Show and two of us want to make-out with Jon Stewart. I’ll let you guess which two.
• We all like warmed buns.
• As though we had lived together since childhood, we painlessly staked out our spots on the sectional to watch tv.
• We all like chocolate!
• Our cups overflowth with the one liners.
• We have mix and match parts that lead to endless combinations for songs about how one of these things isn’t like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.
• We are ripe for comic misunderstandings, ala Three’s Company.
• All our things blend together like a delicious soup.
• You’d think two birds and a cat would spell disaster, but so far so good! Here’s to hoping the cat doesn’t sprout door knob friendly thumbs!
• We all like alcohol!
• While only one tap dances, the other two like to watch tap dancing.
• While only one plays geetar, the other two like to listen.
• While only one is a brainy bird biologist, the other two are fans of the feathered friends.
• We all like macaroni and cheese.

That’s just like the Top 14. Our harmony goes on and on. Like Fruit by the Foot or a really bad movie. It’s never ending!

Here is a secret message to my friend Holly: Hello, my name is Grimace!

Tonight is tangy food stuffs and the Sponge Bob movie with M. I always call him Square Bob Sponge Pants. I had a whole if/then equation worked out to help me get it right, but it usually didn’t work. Mentally asking myself if it was him or his pants that were made of sponge. Somehow, I’d still mix it up. I feel like a grandma. Scratching my head wondering why the young’ns are watching a cartoon about a dish sponge. Named Bob, nonetheless.

Question: How do you make 6 hours feel like 600?

Answer: Work the afternoon shift at the shop!

My indentured servitude is nearly over. With that happy thought, I bid you ado.

sweet rolls and fast cars

Yesterday was a blur. Most likely due to the fact that I had very little sleep and had gotten high the night before. Everything was in slow motion and all my feelings were swirling close to the surface. It takes sleep for me to smile though this and when I don’t get it, well, watch out. I just might ask some questions or talk about my feelings. And then order dinner and watch a movie with you. And hold hands. It’s terrible.

My favorite line in the French dubbed version of Tommy Boy: “Ah, mon petit animal!”

It still feels like Thanksgiving. Mostly due to out of town visitors. :A:’s friend Z is here and while I hardly know him, his presence is reminiscent of still having the pumpkin pie on the table. Same thing goes for M’s brother. Although, he left yesterday. But when he was here, he was like the turkey. Maybe today, when :A: is driving Z to the airport through the grey and cold, the cornucopia of my Thanksgiving holiday will slowly start to disappear and it can just be December again. No one left to make time to see. No one to take to the mall or the zoo or the art museum. The quiet of their departure.

It snowed a few days ago, and against all odds (do I have to pay Phil Collins royalties to use that phrase?) it has stuck around. Only in patches and only on the side of the street that doesn’t get any sun. But there it is. Patchy. Grayish. And stubborn. A hint of what’s to come. It makes me think of Georgia and how I’m not there. How I wouldn’t have seen snow this year had I left when planned. How I wouldn’t be on the hunt for a warm pair of mittens. But there it is. And here I am. Holding on tightly to the idea that it could be nice somehow and that I could be very glad I stayed. Trying to escape this thin ice feeling that’s been following me around for days now. Much like me walking to the store on an icy morning, I feel unsure where to step. Here’s hoping for a warm day.

:A: is making me a tiny pillow shaped and colored like my gallbladder.

For two days now, my car has been unlocked with the key under the mat. I’d put the address up here if I thought it wouldn’t amount to insurance fraud. I will say this, it’s a VW Jetta. 1997. Black. On a side street in Minneapolis. Near a lake. Good luck!

Things I should add to my list of interests: hatching evil plans, fraud, bank robbery, black lights, Slayer, rubbing my hands together fiendishly, Kiss boots, ass kicking, doing things under the cover of darkness, illegal dumping.

My gallbladder says “hi” by the way.

The house is full. Like big Italian meal full. All of :A:’s things are piled on top of my things. And much of M’s things are yet to be moved in. But when they are moved in, they will be on top of :A:’s things, which are on top of my things, which just might be on top of someone else and their things, too. Perhaps some poor schmuck who answered a roommate ad I forgot that I’d put in. And is now buried under a pile of our things. Hopefully, he was smart enough to create an air bubble for himself. There are just paths leading from room to room. To the cat, it must seem like a corn maze.

But, today, I will clean it. I will organize it. I will make soup. With God as my witness, yeah, yeah, yeah. These intentions are, of course, pending nothing good being on tv.

When M’s brother was in town, we wound up getting treated to some karaoke by accident. (Isn’t that how it always happens?) It was at the Chatterbox. Our neighborhood pub. (AH, that could be a clue for those interested in stealing my car!) The guy who puts it on sings EXACTLY like Johnny Cash. And he pretty much only sings Johnny Cash. Smart move on his part. It was worth sitting through all the off-key, drunken versions of Top 40 favorites to hear him croak out Ring of Fire. M was so inspired by him, he wrote a blog (Excuse me, I had something in my throat.) post imagining his life. Giving him an Aqua-Netted wife, Mabel, and having him spend some time in the service. Gave him hobbies like gun shows and flea markets. A couple estranged kids. And a name, Clem. I told him it was a life he’d kick his ass over. Probably would hit too close to home. Made me wonder what someone would write about me.

Maybe they’d write that I was a fairy princess estranged from her kingdom to follow her true dream of taming wild squirrel into house pets and learning how to make bubblegum. I’d live in a mushroom and drive around in a black platform knee high boot. I would only eat gum drops and never grow old. I’d be president of the Weezer fan club and meet Rivers for lunch once a week at a little vegetarian place just off of 5th. He’d bring me daisies and kiss me on the cheek. I’d be able to fly. I would be TIME woman of the year. I’d inspire a mismatched sock trend that would last for years.