Today, my friend Diana found an entire hard boiled egg in her egg salad sandwich. An apparent lack of Quality Assurance (or QA as the corporate kids like to call it) in egg salad making. She didn’t eat it. Oddly enough, it kinda grossed her out. Even stranger, it kinda grossed me out. So we did what any normal duo would do and photographed it. I’m awaiting the camera phone picture as I write this. And of course, I will share its clammy white entirety with you when it comes.
The egg has been a topic of conversation now for almost 4 hours.
It’s that horrifying to us.
Meanwhile.
My terrible ex-boss interviewed at the place I like to call heaven, i.e. my new job. Diana and I launched Operation Khaki when he was detected on the premises. Khaki because he was such a fan of the drab. His skin, his hair, his pants – all khaki. Had they not been pleated, he might have made the cut for a GapEvilDictator commercial.
Did I mention that Diana use to work at the same place I use to work? We over-lapped by, oh, about three days. Here though, we’ve become pals.
Sooooo.
Operation Khaki consisted of batting eyelashes at security guards to peek at visitor logs, chit chatting to secure elevator rides with the Evil Dictator in order to find out which floor he was going to, scouring the company intranet for possible job postings, making plans to “bump” into key decision makers while sporting our hand made t-shirts that say “Only Goofballs Hire Guys In Pleated Khakis” and so on. We’ve also peed all over the building figuring if the t-shirts didn’t work, our estrogen laced pee would surely keep that woman-hater at bay.
The story continues to unfold. Perhaps the whole egg in the egg salad is some sort of terrible prophecy.
What else. What else.
I’m making some art. I’m buying some clothes. I’m dying my hair a darker shade of brown. It makes me look Belgian. Aw, yeah. ”I'm Belgium!” Again, I said that aloud and wasn’t even drunk. I’m your friendly blogging nation-state!
Did I ever tell you guys that my cat has a really tiny head?
She does. It’s wee.
Did I ever tell you guys that I like to sing jazz standards in the shower?
You should hear me. It’s lovely.
And.
Last thing.
I’m pretty sure that I have magic powers. Ask me nice and I’ll turn your stapler into a monkey.
8 comments:
my dear, darling, haiku girl,
will you please turn my stapler into a monkey? a monkey that's not scary and doesn't throw poo?
pretty please?
love,
heatherfeather
Do you sing "At Last" via Etta James? Because that is such a perfect shower song. So perfect, in fact, that I sing it myself. I can also do Aretha Franklin's "Think" complete with shampoo mohawk and hip shake.
I had to check my khakis. They are non-pleated. Pleat free. Sans pleat, as the French would say.
*whew*
Actually can you turn my monkey back into a stapler?
I have some sheets I need to put together.
J.
can you turn my stapler into a garden gnome??
h to the f: I sent my magic power ray to your stapler. It should be a monkey. However, according to my power ray manual, sometimes mountains will interfer with delivery. So. Cross your fingers.
Jay: I am mentally high-fiving you for your choice of pant wear. I haven't sang either of those songs. I'm stuck on Everytime We Say Good-Bye (Sarah Vaugh style) and for some variety... 9-5 by Miss Parton.
J: You. Amuse. Me.
Michelle: Done! And then as quickly as I did it, I tunred 'em back again. T hee.
Guess I better ditch my pleated tan khakis... oh, I did already.
The whole egg thing is hilarious, since don't they have some sort of mechanical slicer that chops those up? What if this egg just like bounced out of the mix, intending to reach freedom... and then you rejected it. A thwarted egg. Heh.
Daily: It's just like getting an uncorrected galley proof fortune cookie fortune while wearing a girl scout uniform. Whole eggs in egg salad are that troubling.
Daily: But it's my hometown. Mid to the West, yo.
Daily: How about you move to the Midwest? Problem solved!
Daily: Homeslice.
Daily: But I told you. 114. On housecleaning. HOUSECLEANING.
Daily: I'll take jpegs for $400, Alex.
C Guy: I am pleased at the amount of flat front pants wearers who read my blog. You are all so very fashion forward. It warms my heart. Me on the othe hand. I wore Sketchers with dress pants today. Yeah. I need some work.
p.s. JITBLYS
Yeah, I got a question...
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