next thing you know there will be parades!

I work a lot. Nearly all the time. I even sometimes dream about it which really makes me mad. But tomorrow, I have off! Believe it or not, it’s my first day off since CHRISTMAS. Remember that holiday way back when, when you got the fuzzy socks and ginormous popcorn tin? YEAH, that one. I’ve worked 20 or more days in a row and have only killed two people and eaten one toddler. So, good for me!

I’m pretty excited about my day off and was thinkin’ about all the fun things I'll do tomorrow. Fun things like lay in bed and watch cartoonz and eat breakfast without regard to crumbs and where they may land when the strangest panicked thought raced through my head - - I thought that I needed to hurry to the grocery store for the breakfast foods before they closed for the holiday at 6pm. The holiday? There is no stinkin' holiday! I have equated having days off with holidays. Yikes! Or yay! Or something!

Maybe we should all observe my day off and MAKE it a holiday. Hallmark can use another excuse to print up some cards. Everyone could use another excuse to make green bean casserole! So tomorrow, Sunday, is Haiku-girl’s Day Off Day. I will be celebrating by eating breakfast in bed and watching Invader Zim, Season II! So please everybody, raise your cereal spoons or orange juice glasses and toast my day off while still in your jammies! And who knows, maybe one day soon Congress or Dear Abby or General Mills or whoever is in charge of holidays will make it official!

imagine him in plaid

Last night I spoke of my idea for a squirrel quilt. Started out talking about a tree that was in the front yard of a house where I had babysat a skinny baby. The house smelled like mothballs and had a socially anxious brother-in-law living on the top floor. He’d come down to make lunch and slink around the kitchen like I would pounce on him at any second. He was in law school, too. Wonder how that’s gonna work out! I digress. So I said that in their yard was a tree that had a hole in it and in that hole lived a squirrel, I know because I saw him go in there without knocking -- which signifies that he lives there full time. And when I mentioned this tree and the squirrel house it contained, I said that I wanted to make this squirrel a quilt and stick it in that hole. I got strange looks! My mom said that when I was a kid I wanted to make squirrels clothes, so at least I’ve matured a little. I mean, a quilt is much more practical than a shirt. Especially one that would have buttons on it. But the strange looks continued. And when it came time for me to go, I walked to the car feeling like I was something special.

mine had a lemon on the end

I’ve been away, cornflake boy. Upside down in my tree house. With woodpecker roommates and a squirrel named Estelle. Dreaming of pirates and swashbuckling good times. Eye patches and peg legs. Red striped shirts. Or are they white striped? Come along Suzy Lee. And sit beneath the elm tree with me me me. We’ll read picture books and watch the kids roll by. Afternoon sun and blue blue skies. Guitar that I play in my sleep. I strum along and sing real loud in my awake. I am Milo. I am Isaac Brock. I am the girl who sings the roller-skate song. I don’t have no car. But I go pretty far. It’s covered in ice and unable to move. It’s creaky, squeaky, old time creepy. Like a Halloween night when you were 8. With a harvest moon hung low in the sky. Big. Orange. Ball. When the sun no longer shines. Running fast, you turned the corner of your block and it stopped you dead in your tracks. Moon so big and close. You reached out your hand and were surprised when all you felt was autumn night air. You would have bet bubble gum that you coulda touched it. Do you remember being third grade small? I remember my Dorothy Hammel bowl cut and navy blue jumper with the apple on the front pocket. I remember Free To Be You and Me. I remember being free to be me. Running on the playground, hearing "Red Rover, Red Rover" yelled at me from atop monkey bars and aluminum slides. 4 square and tether ball. Pop rocks and kabangers. Little kid legends about crooked houses and evil old women. I remember waiting for Ross LaHay to walk me home. He’d sometimes carry my books. Sometimes throw these hard orange berries at me from across the street. Chase me around the playground then kiss me in his basement. The berries: red-orange clusters growing on trees with bright green waxy leaves. The kisses: child like. I remember a lemon on the end of a black plastic loop that fit around my ankle. I remember spinning it around and jumping over it as it slid under my other foot. I remember wondering why it was a lemon. I remember wanting to grow up. I remember being afraid of the 6th grade boys. Imagine seeing 3rd grade you. Time machine. You are a playground volunteer and you go running past yourself. In the jumper you remember, with the apple. With the hair you’ve seen in your class pictures. You’d want to reach out and grab yourself by your tiny little waist and hug away. Say the few words that you think might right some of the wrong things floating around your sweet 3rd grade head. Things about being special. And smart. And perfectly you. Twisting topsy turvy tinkerbell tulips. Twilight tornado tuning in your radio. Tangerines and Twister. Right hand red. Left hand green. Twinkle twinkle turn around so I can see you in that dress. Treasure true truth think thought thunk. The end.

work and hour, get a dollar

It’s Saturday. I’m at the store. Knitting away like a child in a Malaysian sweat shop. Knit knit knit! Now that I knit here, in public, I have learned some things. One, I cast on incorrectly. Two, I knit “weird.” Three, I can’t purl. Four, given the weird way I knit, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to purl. OH WELL. Texture and cables and ribbing is all sooooo passé anyhow. Right? Well, no. It’s not right. Good knitters are to be worshipped. Worshipped I tell you! If you know someone who can knit a sweater, go to them immediately and give a big ‘ol hug and a hand massage.

Most advanced thing I’ve ever knit: a striped scarf.

What I would like to knit: a womb.

We have accumulated a whole lotta debt in the last 7 or so months. Here is the story, short form, if you’ve been reading my pollyblog for any amount of time, you probably have the long form forever etched into your psyche… but for the newbies (awww, aren’t they cute!) here is the Cliff Notes version: Don’t buy stuff in just your name for you and your fiance to have like houses and coffee shops. Kinda can put you in a pickle if things go south.

So, my life is calmer now. I’ve made lots of good financial decisions the last month or so and I think that I finally have things to where we can meet all the monthly expenses going forward but that doesn’t really leave anything to pay off the bills we’ve racked up. Which is a problem. And a kinda big one.

How much funner would it be had instead of racking up lots of debt on what basically amounts to a really expensive bad taste in our mouths, I had spent all that cash on cool stuff. Like original art and 1950s lamps and liposuction and a pony! YES. A pony. Then at least when the mean mean world of bill collectors comes a knocking on my door, I could ride off into the sunset on my very own VISA charged pony. That would be so awesome.

But. I have no pony.

So here is the wacky idea. We're gonna start a website, and advertise it in the local alternative weekly (I use to work there and get free ads! Yay!) where we sell crafts for donations to pay off the debt. A combination of “Hey Dear Abby, if everyone sends me a penny I can go to college!” and a little elbow grease. Right now, all we have to sell are our glitter paintings and my knit wrist cuffs (which are super cool, mind you) and M’s jaw droppingly good acoustic guitar CD - - but we’ll build up some inventory and unleash this wacky idea on the world, or at least on the metro area. It’ll even have a swank Jerry Lewis telethon style tally board, except it’ll count down instead of up. Countin’ down the debt! Kinda like Sweatin’ to the Oldies, just completely different. Heck yes! I hope this evil plan is a good one.

What I have eaten for dinner 134 days in a row, or so it seems: vegetarian chili.

Who you don’t want to sit next to for a long time in a confined space: me.

wait, wait, don't kill your television JUST yet

Today, I was nearly catapulted to stardom. I would have been offered book deals. People woulda been contacting me for production rights. Big people, people like Oprah and Drew Barrymore. I would have received a really sweet e-mail from Isaac Brock saying something like "Saw you on TV and read your pollyblog and sure, I'll be your boyfriend. Do I have to work at the coffee shop?"

But I said no. I had to. I can't be interviewed for the local NBC affiliate story on Pollyblogging. No. I can't. I mention the sex, the drugs, the rock and roll in my pollyblog and all my lovely customers and M's awesome nephews and niece don't need to be reading that kind of stuff about the girl who makes them glitter paintings and knits them scarves or makes their morning latte.

But not wanting to let the opportunity go to waste, I offered to interview the interviewer instead. Gleam insight into this blogging phenomena from a pro who has researched it, who has a sense of humor and sports a nice smile. So without further ado, here are my questions and her answers to better understand this weird cyber world we live in.

Interviewee: Jana, Kare-11 News. An ACTUAL reporter. She does not just play one on tv.

1. Do you have a blog (excuse me, I had something in my throat...)?
Nope... I just learned what they are.

2. On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being DORKY and 10 being UBER DORKY, where do you think most bloggers fall?
I'm a 10... so you all might be off the map.

3. Who's blog did you like the bestest?
Yours... of course I say that to all the girls.

4. Aren't girls better writers than boys?
Girls are better everythings (yes it's a word) than boys. Duh.

5. Of all the blogs (excuse me, I had something in my throat...) that you looked at, how many were Hot Diggity Blogs... if you know what I'm saying *wink wink* ?
Again, clearly, only your blog was diggity in my schmiggity.

6. Do you believe in love at first read?
Oh yeah.

7. What did you have for breakfast? What do you wish you had for breakfast?
Coffee. Sleep.

8. On your keyboard at work, which letter is the closest to being rubbed off due to heavy usage?
The ? key.

9. What's it like always having to look pretty and stuff when you leave the house?
I wouldn't know... I was going to ask you the same question.

10. On average, how many times do you slip and fall during a winter?
Before moving here, never... since moving here you'd think by seeing me I were a battered woman.

glow glitter groove gumball gip gip grime goo gee

I’ve hardly written. Kinda because of Christmas and good cheer and egg nog and sugar plums and “all that David Copperfield kind of crap.” Kinda because I’m sorta sick of myself. Blah blah blah. Yeah, boys can be assholes, girls can be mean, everyone can be selfish. Hasn't this story been around since penises were invented? There is much worse in the world than my little problems. If there was a way to textly shrug my shoulders, I'd do it here: ______

Dang.

I’m not as upset as I come off.

This whole thing misses out on the eyebrows. I write something like that and I seem all sullen and basement dwelling, but when you know me. DANG. When you know me, it’s not like that at all. I am full of sugar and spice and one liners and tap dances with my tounge kinda sticking out to one side. My glass is half full even when it’s empty. In my medical records somewhere it says I “suffer” from childhood magical thinking. That’s the “what do you mean there is no Santa Claus, I just saw him at the mall” kind of thinking. That's the horoscopes are true and maybe I'm a superhero kind of thinking.

I am as not set up as I off come.

Meanwhile, I’ve been making glitter paintings like I was the principal set designer for the magical musical known as Xanadu.

Did you know that crafting is the new rock and roll?

I sparkle when the lights are down low.

Do you ever think of tradgedy in terms of people lost forever? Today, 115,000 people killed. For the generations to come, it's multiplied. 250,000 people, 500,000 people, a million. So very sad. Who would those people have been?

I picture the entrance to what comes next to be like a crowded subway station right now.

Like I said. My problems are small.

Do you ever wonder what you want? Who you would be without radio or tv or catalogues to influence you. Without the Jones to keep up with? Ever wonder what you’d invent if no one had ever invented anything? Me, I think I woulda invented the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Maching.

Or maybe I would have invented George Foreman.

With my magic wand.

hoppy knew leer!

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2004 THAT YOU'D NEVER DONE BEFORE?
I got high for the first time!

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I don’t think I made any last year. And I probably won’t make any this year. Apparently, I’m perfect and in no need of annual improvements.

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Nope!

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
Nope!

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
Canada. For about 5 minutes. In the rain. Funner than it sounds!

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2005 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2004?
Love. Trust. Peace. Quiet. Calm. Some kind of predictability. Some kind of fun unpredictability.

7. WHAT DATES FROM 2004 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY AND WHY?
Leap Day. May 17. December 4. Y'all know why.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
Not running away.

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Not running away.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
I didn’t. But my gallbladder had a rough couple of months.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
New jeans in a size that finally started with a 1 instead of a 2! WOO HOO!

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MERITED CELEBRATION?
Jason for being some kind of sad girl saving super hero. Christa for giving me some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten nearly every time she opened her mouth. Irene for being there without question when I needed her. Lisa for being so sweet and smart and insightful. My mom for being a shoulder to cry on. Holly and Bean for being so fucking funny and keeping it light and simple. Amy for being so funny and nice and brand new.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
Mike.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
Bills, bills and more bills.

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
New friends! Pollyblogging! New pollyblog friends!

16. WHAT SONG WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2004?
Float On by Modest Mouse. That was my happy song this summer!

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR ARE YOU:
a) Happier or sadder? It’s a toss up.
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, baby.
c) Richer or poorer? Way way way poorer.

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE MORE OF?
Laughing.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE LESS OF?
Weeping.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?
Amazingly enough, with Mike’s family. Opening presents and eating too much.

21. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2004?
Nope.

22. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
None.

23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TV PROGRAM?
The Housewives of Desperation, hell yeah!

24. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE LAST YEAR?
I dunno about hate. I definitely dislike some people that I didn’t dislike this time last year.

25. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?
The Hold Steady and that seeing local music in bars is FUN!

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
The year ending better than expected.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?
To be loved by a boy in a way that makes me feel crazy amounts of special.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE FILM OF THE YEAR?
Napoleon Dynamite or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

30. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I turned 33 and all I remember is that I got a sewing machine.

31. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
The ability to fly.

32. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL FASHION CONCEPT IN 2004?
Aging hipster.

33. WHAT KEPT YOU SANE?
My friends! GOD, I love you guys.

34. WHICH CELEBRITY/PUBLIC FIGURE DID YOU FANCY THE MOST?
Isaac Brock. We’re gonna be married one day!

<-- my boyfriend!

35. WHAT POLITICAL ISSUE STIRRED YOU THE MOST?
The gay marriage debate – can’t we all just get along?

36. WHO DID YOU MISS?
Mike, he was here the whole time, but I missed the him I had known and loved for so many years.

37. WHO WAS THE BEST NEW PERSON YOU MET?
Jason and Amy. It’s a tie. They are both super cool and great friends.

38. TELL US A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON YOU LEARNED IN 2004:
Look out for yourself, because no one else is.

39. QUOTE A SONG LYRIC THAT SUMS UP YOUR YEAR.
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans

Your turn!!